What Hurts the Most
by Au Revoir Paulette
Summary: But then there were days when she would be smiling brightly during lunch, laughing and joking with her friends. Her mother said that was OK too, it was OK to pretend everything was fine, once in a while. ONE SHOT.


Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi OR the song "What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts

A/N: This is a one shot, inspired by the video for the song. You need to read the lyrics in order to better understand the story (listening to the song also helps!)

* * *

**I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house**

**That don't bother me**

**I can take a few tears now and then and just let em out**

It was a rainy night and she was alone in her bedroom. She knew that if she called her friends they would come over in an instant, but she didn't want them. She wanted _him._

So for now, all she could do was cry by herself, and give herself the classic pep-talk: it'll be OK in the morning.

**I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though**

**Going on with you gone still upsets me**

**There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay**

**But that's not what gets me**

Her mother had told her it was OK to cry, it showed she had emotion, it didn't mean she was weak.

So she did, she cried whenever she felt like it; in the park whenever she passed by their favorite picnic table, in English class when she was writing letters to him, in the parking lot when she unconsciously looked for him and came to the realization he will never be there again.

But then there were days when she would be smiling brightly during lunch, laughing and joking with her friends. Her mother said that was OK too, it was OK to pretend everything was fine, once in a while.

**What hurts the most**

**Was being so close**

**And having so much to say**

**And watching you walk away**

**And never knowing**

**What could've been**

**And not seeing that loving you**

**Is what I was trying to do**

She liked to walk by herself at times, especially before the sun went down. This hurt her so much because she would remember the many occasions in which she held her feelings back.

_It was a winter night, the first snow of the season had just fallen and he had decided to take her out. So with one thermos filled with hot chocolate and a blanket in his right hand he led her down the snow-covered train tracks._

_"We aren't going to be run over right?" _

_He looked at his anxious girlfriend, she was clutching his hand like she was terrified of what was at the end of the tracks._

_"Relax babe, they are abandoned. Nothing's going to run us over. perhaps murder is more likely, hobos live in the abandoned train carts." He smirked when she clutched his hand even tighter._

_"This isn't funny! Let's go. NOW," she cried out. _

_The teen stopped abruptly and put the thermos and blanket down. He turned to face the distraught girl beside him, "I love you." That was the first time he had ever told her that, he had been thinking about it now, saying it, but he just didn't know how; until now. "I love you and nothing will ever happen to you, not as long as I'm around."_

_The girl smiled at him, blushing. She was at a loss for words so instead she wrapped her arms around him and kissed him._

**It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go**

**But I'm doing it**

**It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone**

It was their monthly movie night Sunday. She knew she wouldn't enjoy it, not without him there. But if she didn't go she also knew they would stop inviting her, so she tried forcing a smile when she rang the doorbell of her friend's house.

"You came! Everyone's waiting for you."

She stepped through the door to come into a teen filled living room, she looked at all the faces and couldn't help but notice his wasn't there, she had never come to these alone, they always arrived together.

**Still harder getting up, getting dressed, living with this regret**

**But I know if I could do it over**

**I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart**

**That I left unspoken**

Every morning was a struggle. She dreaded when her alarm would go off, it meant she would have to go to school and face everyone again.

Her appearance was something she didn't care about anymore. She couldn't. Everything reminded her of him.

She would have to talk to her mom about a new wardrobe.

Every morning was a struggle. She hated looking at herself fin the mirror. She hated the person she had become. But most of all she hated the person she was.

She held back so many feelings, so many words. She never truly showed him how much he meant to her.

Now he was gone, forever.

**What hurts the most**

**Is being so close**

**And having so much to say**

**And watching you walk away**

The same image replayed in her head, she wish it were a dream but she knew better; it was reality.

_9 months into their relationship she still couldn't tell him she loved him. She knew she did, she just couldn't utter the words; they were too terrifying._

_"I get it OK?" the teen turned his back on his girlfriend, both were on top of a hill, overlooking their hometown, after having celebrated their 9 months together with a sunset picnic, "You obviously don't care enough about our relationship. Here I am putting in 110% and there you are, a merely 50%" He started gathering up the picnic basket and blankets angrily._

_"How can you say that? I do care about you! I...I..."_

_The boy dropped everything on the floor and approached her, snatching her hands in his, "You what?" He looked at her longingly. _

_The girl looked down on the floor and whispered, "I.. I care _a lot_ about you."_

_Not receiving the answer he hoped for, he dropped her hands and picked up their belongings off of the floor. He walked to his car and threw them all in, slamming the door for emphasis._

_"You care, you just don't love me." He turned to look at her reaction. _

_"That's not what I said!"_

_"Exactly! You don't say anything. I just... Damn it I _love_ you, I know we're young but I actually see myself with you. In the _future_. But if you don't, well, I don't see why we should even continue with this." He opened the car to the driver seat and sat down, looking blankly ahead._

_"You don't mean that." Tears were slowly starting to fall down her cheek, she didn't know why she couldn't just tell him. She was just scared, scared of being left, of being forgotten, of being taken advantage of. She was not weak. She was independent, strong. Those words, those three words, they were a sign of her giving everything to him, she just couldn't._

_"I do mean it. Please, just get in the car so I can take you home."_

_She stared at herself in the mirror thinking of the event that occurred afterwards._

_He did take her home, and they fought all the way there, screaming and yelling, crying, hurtful words were said. Once they arrived at her house she got off of the car, closed the door, and looked at him._

_"I'm sorry..." She tried not to cry anymore._

_"I am too. I'm sorry for loving you so _fucking_ much. So much that I would give my life for you. I'm sorry for loving you, and for not getting any love back. I'm also sorry for wasting my time."_

_"But-"_

_"Loving you so much I would give _my life _for you Clare!" With that he sped off, but not before looking in her rear-view mirror and seeing a heartbroken girl left behind._

"Loving you so much I would give my life for you Clare!" "Loving you so much I would give my life for you Clare!""Loving you so much I would give my life for you Clare!" "Loving you so much I would give my life for you Clare!"

Those words replayed over, and over, and over in her head.

"Loving you so much I would give my life for you Clare!"

And his life he did give.

**And never knowing**

**What could've been**

**And not seeing that loving you**

**Is what I was trying to do**

A girl dressed in all black approached a tombstone. It has been 6 months since that accident, but it still felt like it happened yesterday.

The girl bent down and placed a single purple tulip on his grave

_Elijah Goldsworthy_

_Son. Brother. Friend._

_"The good die young."_

_1992-2011_

"I love you. I always have. I'm sorry you couldn't see it, I'm sorry I never said it. But I love you. So much. I always will. I need you Eli, I wish I could've told you! Then you wouldn't have sped off, then you wouldn't have ran that red light, then you wouldn't be dead."

She wiped her blue eyes with her hands.

"I love you."

**What hurts the most**

**Is being so close**

**And having so much to say**

**And watching you walk away**

**And never knowing**

**What could've been**

**And not seeing that loving you**

**Is what I was trying to do**


End file.
